Reflection Time

Dear blog followers,

Tadiyass! That's hello in Amharic, one of the words I wanted to learn before my volunteer experience at the local absorption center this Shabbat. Definitely one of the cool parts of learning here are these opportunities.

Lately, I've mostly been talking about things I've been doing. For a change, I'm going to do something I really don't enjoy doing very much--talking about my feelings. See, this year is almost done, one more of my life, and I still can't be sure I made the right choice in attending medical school this year. It's been exhausting, to be sure, and probably would have been even more so had I been studying even half as much as some of my classmates. But with only four weeks and three tests left to pass to complete the year, I can say that I have just about completed another year of medical school still without the certainty of what I want to be when I grow up. I can also say I am thankful for a pass/fail medical school education.

Don't get me wrong. The possibilities are endless: family practice, specialty practice, pediatrics, policy, administration, global health work--just to name a few. But pastry chef, architect, construction worker, software programmer, and manny are just as viable (especially since mannies make more than doctors on the Upper East Side). I'm even looking into pursuing an MBA at some point during my medical school career so that I can better manage and administer health care over a broader populace of those in need. I hope to be able to do that either after next year or after the year after. Since I am here, after all, I should try as hard as I can to make that difference in society.

And yet, despite the potential options, I still feel uncertain. Sometimes I feel like I'm just riding the wave of school, not fully in it, just being dragged along and doing what I need to survive. Sometimes I find myself seeking out some sort of external validity, only to find that it is internal validity that I really seek. It's rough at times, but it's easier at others. Participating in LOGON's Beauty and the Beast earlier this year was a useful and fun (albeit occasionally stressful) distraction. Teaching Spanish was a great way to feel that I didn't lose out by choosing medical school over Pardes' teaching program, since I still got that chance to teach; it was also one of the only things I truly enjoyed doing this year. Volunteering and day trips, Shabbat meals, hanging out with friends (a small but awesome bunch), Game of Thrones, reading, blogging, and random other activities kept me happy and strong throughout the year. But none of these things ever hits the target of my struggle. I still don't know if this is where I belong.

Allow me to provide a bit more context. I applied to college with a strong desire to be a part of the JTS sphere and community, not really caring too much or even liking the atmosphere of Columbia. And yet, by my second year, I was regretting my decision of applying to JTS. By my third year, I was significantly more happy with the Columbia side of my education, becoming more involved on campus and growing closer with new friends there. By my fourth year, it was clear that, had it not been for CU, I should definitely have transferred out of JTS immediately. This is not to say, however, that JTS is not for everyone. For some people (especially for students who did not attend Jewish high school and had to take the old Core Curriculum), JTS had the potential to be one of the greatest programs that exists, truly the "best of both worlds." But for others, such as myself, who were languishing away in those boring core classes, it was simply not worth the money or time (or busy work) we were putting in. That's just how it is. But unlike at JTS, here I honestly do not know where I would put myself on this fence. Perhaps I need to wait and see. Perhaps, by this point next year, or in two years, I'll be happy I stayed. Or perhaps I will regret not following my heart and wasting all of this time, money, and effort. Who knows? In November, I was this close to jumping ship and leaving, going so far as to even ask if the job offer I was given at the end of last year was still on the table (it wasn't, perhaps God's way of telling me that I closed one door by opening another). The rockets, at least in that regard, came at an opportune time, allowing me a mental break to recover and recollect before returning for finals, and I flew to Japan and did just that.

I suppose, then, that I have not arrived at any greater conclusion after writing this piece, but that it shall stand as a landmark for me to look back to. Hopefully, down the road, I will laugh and never regret my decisions in my graduate school education. I cannot say for sure either way right now. What I can be sure of is that I have some great friends and family who have been my supporting anchors, despite my philosophical ramblings, and for them I will be eternally grateful. For now, though, I have to get showered, ready, and off to the absorption center. As they say (albeit informally) in Amharic, ciao! And feel free to share your thoughts with me as well--I'd love to hear them.
-David